Friday, June 5, 2020
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Treat yourself to an an upbeat lockdown

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THREE weeks of isolation may be daunting, but it doesn’t have to be Dullsville. With a little planning, you could turn your lockdown into an interesting experience. So why not try . . .

The Flockdown: Isolate in a remote shepherd’s hut. But be warned that prices for these sought-after hideaways are rising rapidly and you may be fleeced.

The Chocdown: Isolate at home with three weeks’ supply of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk, Rolo, Kit-Kats, Mars Bars and Quality Street, etc. But don’t have any Breakaway biscuits – they might give you ideas.

The Baroquedown: Isolate in St Paul’s Cathedral and admire its ornate magnificence. You can also increase your 6ft social distance to 137ft by chatting to others along the Whispering Gallery.

The Bullockdown: Isolate on a cattle farm and after three weeks you’ll either have developed herd immunity, or be suffering from Cowvid-19.

The Cellblockdown: Get yourself arrested and jailed, perhaps for organising an illegal gathering, then ask to be put into solitary confinement.

The Dreadlockdown: Isolate in Jamaica (if any airline’s still flying there). Provided the panic-buyers haven’t stripped the supermarket shelves, you could enjoy pasta with a Rasta.

The Fetlockdown: Isolate in a farm building where horses are kept. You’ll be in a stable condition throughout.

The Hillockdown: Isolate in the Cotswolds, but watch out for speeding Chelsea Tractors as thousands of well-heeled Londoners flee to their second homes.

The Jockdown: Don a kilt and sporran, buy a three-week supply of porridge and haggis, and isolate in a bothy high in the Cairngorms, out of range of Nicola Sturgeon on the radio.

The Wokdown: Isolating in China may be self-defeating, but take your own food – remember that bats, anteaters, civets, cobras and dogs are now off the menu.

The Rockdown: Isolate at home with your Sixties record collection, playing We Gotta Get Out of This Place on a loop, annoying your locked-down neighbours.

The Sherlockdown: Isolate with a copy of The Hound of the Baskervilles while smoking a pipe and wearing a deerstalker. But take elementary hygiene precautions.

The Warlockdown: Have a wizard time by isolating yourself with the Harry Potter series of books.

The Shylockdown: Isolate with a copy of The Merchant of Venice and don’t forget to stockpile a pound of flesh.

The Clockdown: Time your isolation to the nanosecond with a digital chronometer linked to the European atomic signal.

The Stockdown: As you isolate, watch the price of your shares plunge via a Bloomberg real-time computer uplink.

The Mockdown: Pretend to isolate, but keep slipping down to the supermarket to stock up on toilet rolls.

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is an amateur local historian and wannabe best-selling novelist.

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